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How to Decorate For The Holidays And Not Go To Hell

If you want to decorate your house for Christmas in a proper Christian manner then don't buy a Christmas tree, otherwise you'll have some serious 'splainin' to do to God. For according to Jeremiah 10:2-4:

"Thus saith the LORD, Learn not the way of the heathen, and be not dismayed at the signs of heaven; for the heathen are dismayed at them. For the customs of the people are vain: for one cutteth a tree out of the forest, the work of the hands of the workman, with the axe. They deck it with silver and with gold; they fasten it with nails and with hammers, that it move not."

You see, back then only them heathen pagans used trees, evergreen boughs, specifically, to celebrate the winter solstice, and so therefore heathens were considered bad by the early church.

Baaaaaaad. It's because they, uhhhh, ahhhh, ohhhhh.....they were just bad, okay?

If you're feeling a little confused about how the Lord intended you to decorate your homes for the holidays, perhaps you should look closer at the birth of Jesus. If you discard all the contrary information about his birth by the Biblical writers Mark, Luke, Matthew, and Paul (and sometimes Q) you end up with simply this:

"Jeshua was born to Mary and Joseph, in Nazareth in the fall circa 4 BCE."

That's it.That's all they agree on. And the three wise men? There weren't three. In fact, no one's sure how many there were, but historians agree that if they indeed showed up on Joseph's front stall it was when Jesus was about three years old, not a newborn.

Keep in mind that many of the Biblical stories about Jesus' life were written down over a hundred years after he died. It's safe to assume some guesswork was involved.

All the customs we now associate with the celebration of the Christ child are entirely contrived. The tree, the presents, the turkey, the nutcrackers, Santa, etc. all exist purely for our own entertainment. Fun but, ultimately, pointless.

But who am I to judge? Look, if you REALLY need to believe in a son of God, born to a virgin, in a manger, late in December then you're in luck because you have plenty to choose from. Horus (circa 1550 BCE), Zoroaster (1000 - 1500 BCE?), Krishna (circa 1200 BCE), Indra (circa 750 BCE), Buddha (circa 600 BCE), Mithra (circa 500 BCE), Quirrnus (circa 550 BCE), Attis (circa 200 BCE) and Adonis (unknown) all fit most or all of this same criteria.

Happy Holidays!