Reasons I Reject Evolution
by Bobbie Jean Pentecost
1.) Because I don’t like the idea that we came
from apes… despite that humans are categorically
defined and classified as apes.
2.) Because I’m too stupid and/or lazy to open
a fucking book or turn on the Discovery Science Channel.
3.) Because if I can’t immediately understand how
something works, then it must be bullshit.
4.) Because I don’t care that literally 99.9% of
all biologists accept evolution as the unifying theory
5.) Because I prefer the idea that a (insert god of choice)
went ALLA-KADABRA-ZAM MOTHAH-FUCKAHS!!!
6.) Because I can’t get it through my thick logic-proof
skull that evolution refers ONLY to the process of speciation,
not to abiogenesis, or planet formation, or big bang
cosmology, or whether God exists, or where they buried
Jimmy Hoffa, or why the sky is blue, or how many licks
it takes to get to the center of a fucking Tootsie Pop.
7.) Because the fossil record doesn’t comprise
the remains of every single living thing that ever existed
on this 4.5 billion year old planet, even though fossilization
is a rare process that only occurs under very specific
8.) Because science has yet to produce any transitional
species… except for the magnitudinous numbers of
them found in the fossil record which don’t count
because… I uh, OOH LOOK! A SHINY OBJECT!!! *runs
9.) Because I know nothing about Darwin except that he
had a funny beard.
10.) Because the theory of evolution (which, according
to scientists, perfectly explains the richness and diversity
of life on Earth) contradicts biblical literalism… ya
know, flat Earth with a firmament that keeps out the
water, talking snakes, people rising from the dead, bats
are birds, flamey talking bushes, virgin births, food
appearing out of nowhere, massive bodies of water turning
into blood… etc etc.
11.) Because I think the word “theory” actually
means: “random stabs in the dark” when it
really means: "an explanation of certain phenomena
that is well-supported by a large body of facts and often
unifies other similarly well-supported hypotheses" i.e.
atomic theory, gravitational theory, germ theory, cell
theory, some-people-are-dumb-motherfuckers-theory, etc.
12.) Because the fact that science is self-correcting
annoys me. Most of my other beliefs are rigidly fixed
13.) Because I am under the severely mistaken impression
that evolution implies someone in my very recent ancestry
was a chimp.
14.) Because everything appears designed to my mind which
was expertly tuned by nature to perceive design, probably
as a survival mechanism.
15.) Because some secretly fabulous closet-dwelling televangelist
(who unironically preaches hate towards gays) told me
that evolution is Satan’s way of leading me away
16.) Because that same guy (who was also caught snorting
blow off a male hooker’s shiny naked ass) told
me that God planted those fossils to test my faith.
17.) Because I’m 100% correct about everything
100% of the time and there is 0% chance that some snooty
Oxford educated scientist with numerous honorary doctorates
could possibly know something that I don’t.
18.) Because I don’t know that fossils are found
in sedimentary strata corresponding to their age as one
would expect if evolution were true.
19.) Because I don’t understand why, if we share
common ancestry with chimps, there are still chimps.
And when someone with more than three brain cells in
their head inevitably replies: “for the same reason
Americans share common ancestry with Brits but there
are still Brits, I can’t follow the logic. It’s
just too big a leap. Who am I, Evil Knievel?
20.) Because my mom dropped me on my head when I was
21.) Multiple times.
22.) On purpose.
23.) Because the idea that life evolved naturally over
billions of years is infinitely less believable than
the idea that an 800 year old man crammed two of every
species into a giant wooden boat when the entire planet
flooded, an event for which there is absolutely no geological
evidence whatsoever and also makes no fucking sense at
24.) Because Jesus totally rode around on a fucking t-rex.
He’s just that badassed. And also, did you know
that t-rexes were vegetarians? Ken Ham says so and I
25.) Because I don’t realize that saying “microevolution
is possible but macroevolution isn’t” is
as stupid as saying “I can pick my nose for one
second but I cannot pick it for 10 seconds.”
26.) Because the education system failed me miserably.
27.) …and then took a big wet dump on my face.
28.) Because I think that knowing how nature works magically
obliterates all of its beauty.
29.) Because I didn’t know that evolution has been
tested and observed in laboratories.
30.) Because when confronted with that, I refuse to believe
it. It’s obviously a scientific conspiracy aimed
at turning everyone on the planet into atheists... even
though evolution says nothing about god's nature nor
whether he, she, it, or they exist.
31.) Because I’m too stupid to realize that Social
Darwinism has nothing to do with evolution and is actually
a pseudo-scientific bastardization that real science
32.) Because the planet and all the life on it was designed
for humans… kinda like how the Metropolitan Museum
of Art in NY was designed specifically for the dust-bunnies
that may accumulate on the floors.
33.) Because I don’t realize that if we actually
found croco-ducks in the fossil record, it would falsify
34.) Because plenty of respectable people like Ron Paul,
Mitt Romney, and Mike Huckabee (who are not scientists)
don’t accept evolution, and that somehow validates
35.) Because my mother didn’t know not to drink
while she was pregnant. She also didn’t know not
to repeatedly throw herself down a flight of stairs in
an attempt to undo the accident of screwing someone who
voted for Bush both times.
36.) Because I don’t know that “irreducible
complexity” has been debunked a frazillion times
by a frazillion different people and is no more credible
an argument than “NEEN-er NEEN-er NEEN-er, I’m
right and you’re wrong.”
37.) Because I have never seen a duck evolve into a cat
over night, despite the fact that such a thing would
be contrary to all known scientific disciplines.
38.) Because I have no imagination, learning is too much
effort, I don’t like proven facts, change scares
me, and I think deoxyribonucleic acid is something I’m
supposed to clean my bathroom floors with.
39.) Because evolution means that I absolutely MUST reject
everything else I know, abandon all my beliefs, and start
aping around my house like a fucking monkey. OOOh-ooohh-ooohohh
40.) Because I haven’t put my cave on the market
and moved into the 21st century yet. I’m waiting
for the cave market to rebound from the recent financial
41.) Because I don’t know what an atavism is and
if you told me, I still wouldn't believe it. Too weird.
42.) Because I don’t know that evolution explains
methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus and also
provides the answer in preventing it from turning into
a superbug and killing massive numbers of people.
43.) Because I don’t know that evolution is routinely
used in medicine to diagnose and treat certain illnesses
such as genetic ailments, bacterial infections, and viral
44.) Because I believe there is a strong comparison between
designed inanimate objects such as buildings, paintings,
and watches (which we know were pieced together from
identifiable components by human beings) and living organisms
(which reproduce with genetic variation under the effects
of environmental attrition).
45.) Because I see no significant similarities between
humans and apes. *scratches my ass-crack then smells
46.) Because I think I’m too special to have been
crafted by any natural process and the entire planet,
solar system, galaxy, and universe were created with
me especially in mind.
47.) Because I unquestioningly swallow the ignorant anti-science
bullshit spewed directly from the fraudulent stupid asses
of people like Ken Ham, Ted Haggard, Fred Phelps, and
48.) Because I’m a freethinker and freethinking
really means ignoring anything that contradicts what
I already believe.
49.) Because I don’t know what confirmation bias
50.) Because despite the fact that in all my years of
life, I have never seen any magic, I still believe magic
is the answer to anything I don’t immediately comprehend.
Ladies and gentlemen, I rest my case. Quod erat demonstrandum,
I fucking win. Take that you EVILutionists!