Reasons Why Jesus Is a Jerk
1. He told his followers to hate their families.
If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and
mother, and wife, and children,and brethren, and sisters,
yea, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple.
2. He came to break apart families.
I am come to set a man at variance against
his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against
her mother in law. And a man's foes shall be they of his own household. Matthew
The father shall be divided against the son, and the son against the father;
the mother against the daughter, and the daughter against the mother; the mother
in law against her daughter in law, and the daughter in law against her mother
in law. Luke 12:51-53
3. He insisted that his followers love him more than anyone else (including their
He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me:
and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. Matthew
4. He encouraged people to abandon their home and family for his name's sake.
And every one that hath forsaken houses, or brethren, or sisters, or father,
or mother, or wife, or children, or lands, for my name's sake, shall receive
an hundredfold, and shall inherit everlasting life. Matthew 19:29, Mark 10:29-30,
5. He was rude to his own family.
Then one said unto him, Behold, thy mother
and thy brethren stand without, desiring to speak with thee. But he answered
and said unto him that told him, Who is my mother? and who are my brethren? And
he stretched forth his hand toward his disciples, and said, Behold my mother
and my brethren! Matthew 12: 47-49, Mark 3:31-34, Luke 8:20-21
6. He was dismissive of other people's feelings toward their families.
of his disciples said unto him, Lord, suffer me first to go and bury my father.
But Jesus said unto him, Follow me; and let the dead bury their dead. Matthew
8:21-22, Luke 9:59-62
7. He discouraged marriage.
They which shall be accounted worthy to obtain that
world, and the resurrection from the dead, neither marry, nor are given in marriage.
8. He was a hypocrite. He told his followers not to call anyone a fool.
Whosoever shall say, Thou fool, shall be in danger of hell fire. Matthew 5:22
Yet he often called his critics and disciples fools.
Ye fools and blind. Matthew 23:17, 19
Ye fools. Luke 11:40
O fools, and slow of heart to believe. Luke 24:25
9. He encouraged his followers to mutilate themselves to avoid hell.
looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already
in his heart. And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out ... And if thy right
hand offend thee, cut it off, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for
thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should
be cast into hell. Matthew 5:28-30
If thy hand or thy foot offend thee, cut them off, and cast them from thee: it
is better for thee to enter into life halt or maimed, rather than having two
hands or two feet to be cast into everlasting fire. And if thine eye offend thee,
pluck it out, and cast it from thee: it is better for thee to enter into life
with one eye, rather than having two eyes to be cast into hell fire. Matthew
And if thy hand offend thee, cut it off ... And if thy foot offend thee, cut
it off ... And if thine eye offend thee, pluck it out: it is better for thee
to enter into the kingdom of God with one eye, than having two eyes to be cast
into hell fire: Where their worm dieth not, and the fire is not quenched. Mark
10. He encouraged men to castrate themselves.
There are some eunuchs, which were
so born from their mother's womb: and there are some eunuchs, which were made
eunuchs of men: and there be eunuchs, which have made themselves eunuchs for
the kingdom of heaven's sake. He that is able to receive it, let him receive
it. Matthew 19:12
11. He approved of God's killings in the Bible.
And whosoever shall not receive
you, nor hear your words ... It shall be more tolerable for the land of Sodom
and Gomorrha in the day of judgment, than for that city. Matthew 10:14-15
But as the days of Noe were, so shall also the coming of the Son of man be. Matthew
As it was in the days of Noe, so shall it be also in the days of the Son of man
... the flood came, and destroyed them all. Likewise also as it was in the days
of Lot ... the same day that Lot went out of Sodom it rained fire and brimstone
from heaven, and destroyed them all ... Remember Lot's wife. Luke 17:26-32
As Moses lifted up the serpent in the wilderness, even so must the Son of man
be lifted up: John 3:14
12. He believed in the Old Testament's stories.
But as the days of Noe were,
so shall also the coming of the Son of man be. Matthew 24:37, Luke 17:27
But the same day that Lot went out of Sodom it rained fire and brimstone from
heaven, and destroyed them all. ... Remember Lot's wife. Luke 17:29-32
For as Jonas was three days and three nights in the whale's belly; so shall the
Son of man be three days and three nights in the heart of the earth. Matthew
13. He accepted Old Testament laws.
Think not that I am come to destroy the law,
or the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfil. Matthew 5:17
14. He criticized the Pharisees for not killing parent-cursing children.
commanded, saying, Honour thy father and mother: and, He that curseth father
or mother, let him die the death. Matthew 15:4
Moses said, Honour thy father and thy mother; and, Whoso curseth father or mother,
let him die the death. Mark 7:10
15. He and his dad plan to torture billions of people forever after they die.
Every tree that bringeth not forth good fruit is hewn down, and cast into the
fire. Matthew 7:19
Fear him which is able to destroy both soul and body in hell. Matthew 10:28
The Son of man shall send forth his angels, and they shall gather out of his
kingdom all things that offend, and them which do iniquity; And shall cast them
into a furnace of fire: there shall be wailing and gnashing of teeth. Matthew
So shall it be at the end of the world: the angels shall come forth, and sever
the wicked from among the just, And shall cast them into the furnace of fire:
there shall be wailing and gnashing of teeth. Matthew 13:49-50
Then shall he say also unto them on the left hand, Depart from me, ye cursed,
into everlasting fire, prepared for the devil and his angels. Matthew 25:41
And these shall go away into everlasting punishment. Matthew 25:46
He that believeth and is baptized shall be saved; but he that believeth not shall
be damned. Mark 16:16
Fear him, which after he hath killed hath power to cast into hell; yea, I say
unto you, Fear him. Luke 12: 5
16. He implied that all Jews are going to hell.
But the children of the kingdom
shall be cast out into outer darkness: there shall be weeping and gnashing of
teeth. Matthew 8:12
17. He was a false prophet.
Verily I say unto you, Ye shall not have gone over
the cities of Israel, till the Son of man be come. Matthew 10:23
Verily I say unto you, There be some standing here, which shall not taste of
death, till they see the Son of man coming in his kingdom. Matthew 16:28, Mark
9:1, Luke 9:27
Verily I say unto you, This generation shall not pass, till all these things
be fulfilled. Matthew 24:34, Mark 13:30, Luke 21:32
Behold, I come quickly. Revelation 3:11, 22:7, 22:11, 22:20
18. He was a warmonger.
Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came
not to send peace, but a sword. Matthew 10:34, Luke 12:51-53
And I saw heaven opened, and behold a white horse; and he that sat upon him was
called Faithful and True, and in righteousness he doth judge and make war. Revelation
19. He was a megalomaniac.
Whosoever therefore shall be ashamed of me and of
my words in this adulterous and sinful generation; of him also shall the Son
of man be ashamed. Mark 8:38
He that believeth on him is not condemned: but he that believeth not is condemned
already, because he hath not believed in the name of the only begotten Son of
God ... he that believeth not the Son shall not see life; but the wrath of God
abideth on him. John 3:18, 36
If a man abide not in me, he is cast forth as a branch, and is withered; and
men gather them, and cast them into the fire, and they are burned. John 15:16
20. He condemned cities to dreadful deaths and to the eternal torment of hell
because they didn't care for his preaching.
Woe unto thee, Chorazin! woe unto
thee, Bethsaida! ... And thou, Capernaum ... shalt be brought down to hell ...
it shall be more tolerable for the land of Sodom in the day of judgment, than
for thee. Matthew 11:21-24
Whosoever shall not receive you, nor hear you, when ye depart thence, shake off
the dust under your feet for a testimony against them. Verily I say unto you,
It shall be more tolerable for Sodom and Gomorrha in the day of judgment, than
for that city. Mark 6:11
But into whatsoever city ye enter, and they receive you not ... it shall be more
tolerable in that day for Sodom, than for that city. Woe unto thee, Chorazin!
woe unto thee, Bethsaida! ... And thou, Capernaum, which art exalted to heaven,
shalt be thrust down to hell. Luke 10:10-15
21. He called an entire generation perverse, evil, adulterous vipers.
of vipers, how can ye, being evil, speak good things? ... Then certain of the
scribes and of the Pharisees answered, saying, Master, we would see a sign from
thee. But he answered and said unto them, An evil and adulterous generation seeketh
after a sign. Matthew 12:34-39, 16:4
Then Jesus answered and said, O faithless and perverse generation.... 17:17
22. He invented George W. Bush's false dichotomy.
He that is not with me is against
me. Matthew 12:30, Luke 11:230
23. He approved of torture.
And his lord was wroth, and delivered him to the
tormentors, till he should pay all that was due unto him. So likewise shall my
heavenly Father do also unto you, if ye from your hearts forgive not every one
his brother their trespasses. Matthew 18:34-35
24. He inspired the Republican Tea Party.
Whosoever hath, to him shall be given,
and he shall have more abundance: but whosoever hath not, from him shall be taken
away even that he hath. Matthew 13:12, Mark 4:25
Unto every one that hath shall be given, and he shall have abundance: but from
him that hath not shall be taken away even that which he hath. Matthew 25:29
25. He believed in an unforgivable sin.
Blasphemy against the Holy Ghost shall
not be forgiven unto men ... whosoever speaketh against the Holy Ghost, it shall
not be forgiven him, neither in this world, neither in the world to come. Matthew
12:31-32, Mark 3:29, Luke 12:10
26. He spoke in parables to confuse people so he could send them to hell.
he said unto them, Unto you it is given to know the mystery of the kingdom of
God: but unto them that are without, all these things are done in parables: That
seeing they may see, and not perceive; and hearing they may hear, and not understand;
lest at any time they should be converted, and their sins should be forgiven
them. Mark 4:11, Matthew 13:10-15
27. He believed in a God (himself?) who had his enemies slaughtered in front
But those mine enemies, which would not that I should reign over them,
bring hither, and slay them before me. Luke 19:27
28. He believed in devils, evil eyes, and unclean spirits.
Jesus sent forth, and commanded them, saying ... cast out devils. Matthew 10:5-8
Then was brought unto him one possessed with a devil, blind, and dumb: and he
healed him. Matthew 12:22
And Jesus rebuked the devil. Matthew 17:18
And he ... cast out many devils; and suffered not the devils to speak, because
they knew him. Mark 1:34
Then he called his twelve disciples together, and gave them power and authority
over all devils. Luke 9:1
And unclean spirits, when they saw him, fell down before him, and cried, saying,
Thou art the Son of God. And he straitly charged them that they should not make
him known. Mark 3:11-12
An evil eye ... defile the man. Mark 7:22-23
But if thine eye be evil, thy whole body shall be full of darkness. Matthew 6:23,
There was in their synagogue a man with an unclean spirit ... And Jesus rebuked
him, saying, Hold thy peace, and come out of him. Mark 1:23-25
He gave them power against unclean spirits. Matthew 10:1
When the unclean spirit is gone out of a man, he walketh through dry places,
seeking rest, and findeth none. Then he saith, I will return into my house from
whence I came out; and when he is come, he findeth it empty, swept, and garnished.
Then goeth he, and taketh with himself seven other spirits more wicked than himself,
and they enter in and dwell there: and the last state of that man is worse than
the first. Even so shall it be also unto this wicked generation. Matthew 12:43-45,
29. He was a bit of a racist.
The woman was a Greek, a Syrophenician by nation;
and she besought him that he would cast forth the devil out of her daughter.
But Jesus said unto her, Let the children first be filled: for it is not meet
to take the children's bread, and to cast it unto the dogs. Mark 7:26-27, Matthew
30. He condemned people to hell for things that their ancestors supposedly
Ye are the children of them which killed the prophets. ... Ye serpents, ye generation
of vipers, how can ye escape the damnation of hell? ... Upon you may come all
the righteous blood shed upon the earth, from the blood of righteous Abel unto
the blood of Zacharias son of Barachias, whom ye slew between the temple and
the altar. Matthew 23:31-35
31. He got kind of gross sometimes.
And he ... put his fingers into his ears,
and he spit, and touched his tongue. Mark 7:33
He took the blind man by the hand, and led him out of the town; and when he had
spit on his eyes, and put his hands upon him, he asked him if he saw ought. Mark
He spat on the ground, and made clay of the spittle, and he anointed the eyes
of the blind man with the clay. John 9:6
Except ye eat the flesh of the Son of man, and drink his blood, ye have no life
in you. Whoso eateth my flesh, and drinketh my blood, hath eternal life ... For
my flesh is meat indeed, and my blood is drink indeed. He that eateth my flesh,
and drinketh my blood, dwelleth in me, and I in him ... He that eateth me, even
he shall live by me. John 6:53-57
32. He approved of slavery (or at least didn't object to it) and said that God
is like a slave owner who beats his slaves and sells families to pay for debts.
And a certain centurion's servant [slave], who was dear unto him, was sick, and
ready to die. And when he heard of Jesus, he sent unto him the elders of the
Jews, beseeching him that he would come and heal his servant. ... When Jesus
heard these things, he marvelled at him, and turned him about, and said unto
the people that followed him, I say unto you, I have not found so great faith,
no, not in Israel. And they that were sent, returning to the house, found the
servant whole that had been sick. Luke 7:2-10
And that servant, which knew his lord's will, and prepared not himself, neither
did according to his will, shall be beaten with many stripes. Luke 12:47
The kingdom of heaven likened unto a certain king, which would take account of
his servants. And when he had begun to reckon, one was brought unto him, which
owed him ten thousand talents. But forasmuch as he had not to pay, his lord commanded
him to be sold, and his wife, and children, and all that he had, and payment
to be made. Matthew 18:23-25
33. Someday he'll fight against people with a sword sticking out of his mouth.
Repent; or else I will come unto thee quickly, and will fight against them with
the sword of my mouth. Revelation 2:16
And out of his mouth goeth a sharp sword, that with it he should smite the nations:
and he shall rule them with a rod of iron: and he treadeth the winepress of the
fierceness and wrath of Almighty God. ... And the remnant were slain with the
sword of him that sat upon the horse, which sword proceeded out of his mouth:
and all the fowls were filled with their flesh. Revelation 19:15, 21
34. He threatens to kill children (with death).
I will kill her children with
death. Revelation 2:23
35. He's going to kill billions of people with his sickle.
Upon the cloud one
sat like unto the Son of man, having on his head a golden crown, and in his hand
a sharp sickle. ,,, And he that sat on the cloud thrust in his sickle on the
earth; and the earth was reaped. ... And the winepress was trodden without the
city, and blood came out of the winepress, even unto the horse bridles, by the
space of a thousand and six hundred furlongs. Revelation 14:14-20
36. He unnecessarily killed 2000 pigs.
And there was a good way off from them
an herd of many swine feeding. So the devils besought him, saying, If thou cast
us out, suffer us to go away into the herd of swine. And he said unto them, Go.
And when they were come out, they went into the herd of swine: and, behold, the
whole herd of swine ran violently down a steep place into the sea, and perished
in the waters. Matthew 8:30-32
And all the devils besought him, saying, Send us into the swine ... And forthwith
Jesus gave them leave. And the unclean spirits went out, and entered into the
swine: and the herd ran violently down a steep place into the sea, (they were
about two thousand;) and were choked in the sea. Mark 5:12-13
Then went the devils out of the man, and entered into the swine: and the herd
ran violently down a steep place into the lake, and were choked. Luke 8:33
37. He killed a fig tree by cursing it. (Because it didn't have any fruit that
he could eat.)
When he saw a fig tree in the way, he came to it, and found nothing
thereon, but leaves only, and said unto it, Let no fruit grow on thee henceforward
for ever. And presently the fig tree withered away. Matthew 21:19
And seeing a fig tree afar off having leaves, he came, if haply he might find
any thing thereon: and when he came to it, he found nothing but leaves; for the
time of figs was not yet. And Jesus answered and said unto it, No man eat fruit
of thee hereafter for ever. Mark 11:13-14
38. He didn't know much about Biology.
It is like a grain of mustard seed, which,
when it is sown in the earth, is less than all the seeds that be in the earth:
But when it is sown, it groweth up, and becometh greater than all herbs, and
shooteth out great branches; so that the fowls of the air may lodge under the
shadow of it. Mark 4:31-32
39. He lied about prayer.
Verily I say unto you, If ye have faith as a grain
of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to yonder place;
and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible unto you. Matthew 17:20
That whosoever shall say unto this mountain, Be thou removed, and be thou cast
into the sea; and shall not doubt in his heart, but shall believe that those
things which he saith shall come to pass; he shall have whatsoever he saith.
Therefore I say unto you, What things soever ye desire, when ye pray, believe
that ye receive them, and ye shall have them. Mark 11:23-24
Whatsoever ye shall ask in my name, that will I do. John 14:13-14, 15:7, 15:16,
If ye have faith, and doubt not ... if ye shall say unto this mountain, Be thou
removed, and be thou cast into the sea; it shall be done. And all things, whatsoever
ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive. Matthew 21:21-22
If ye had faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye might say unto this sycamine tree,
Be thou plucked up by the root, and be thou planted in the sea; and it should
obey you. Luke 17:6
40. He said some stupid things.
All things are possible to him that believeth.
Behold, I give unto you power to tread on serpents and scorpions, and over all
the power of the enemy: and nothing shall by any means hurt you. Luke 10:19
That which is highly esteemed among men is abomination in the sight of God. Luke
Some of you shall they cause to be put to death ... but there shall not an hair
of your head perish. Luke 21:16-18
Woe unto them that are with child, and to them that give suck, in those days!
for there shall be great distress in the land, and wrath upon this people. Luke
He that believeth on me, as the scripture hath said, out of his belly shall flow
rivers of living water. John 7:38
And Jesus said, For judgment I am come into this world ... that they which see
might be made blind. John 9:39
He that loveth his life shall lose it; and he that hateth his life in this world
shall keep it unto life eternal. John 12:25
41. He talked complete nonsense about the end of the world.
Nation shall rise
against nation, and kingdom against kingdom: and there shall be earthquakes in
divers places, and there shall be famines and troubles: these are the beginnings
of sorrows. ... In those days, after that tribulation, the sun shall be darkened,
and the moon shall not give her light, And the stars of heaven shall fall, and
the powers that are in heaven shall be shaken. Mark 13:8, 24-25, Matthew 24:3-30,
42. He said that everyone who lived before him was a thief and a robber.
that ever came before me are thieves and robbers John 10:8
43. His neighbors rejected him.
Is not this the carpenter's son? is not his mother
called Mary? and his brethren, James, and Joses, and Simon, and Judas? And his
sisters, are they not all with us? Whence then hath this man all these things?
And they were offended in him. Matthew 13:55-57, Mark 6:3
Is not this Jesus, the son of Joseph, whose father and mother we know? how is
it then that he saith, I came down from heaven? John 6:42
44. Many that saw him up close and personal thought he was mad and possessed
by a devil.
Many of them said, He hath a devil, and is mad; why hear ye him?
45. His family didn't believe in him.
For neither did his brethren believe in
him. John 7:5
46. His friends thought he was insane.
And when his friends heard of it, they
went out to lay hold on him: for they said, He is beside himself. Mark 3:21
47. He said that his true followers would cast out devils, speak in tongues,
handle snakes, and drink poisons.
And these signs shall follow them that believe;
In my name shall they cast out devils; they shall speak with new tongues; They
shall take up serpents; and if they drink any deadly thing, it shall not hurt
them; they shall lay hands on the sick, and they shall recover. Mark 16:17-18
48. He said that disbelievers will be tormented forever in hell.
He that believeth
and is baptized shall be saved; but he that believeth not shall be damned. Mark
49. He dresses kind of funny.
The Son of man, clothed with a garment down to
the foot, and girt about the paps with a golden girdle. His head and his hairs
were white like wool, as white as snow; and his eyes were as a flame of fire;
And his feet like unto fine brass ... and out of his mouth went a sharp twoedged
sword. Revelation 1:13-16
The Son of God, who hath his eyes like unto a flame of fire, and his feet are
like fine brass Revelation 2:18
His eyes were as a flame of fire, and on his head were many crowns; and he had
a name written, that no man knew, but he himself. And he was clothed with a vesture
dipped in blood ... And out of his mouth goeth a sharp sword ... And ... on his
thigh a name written, KING OF KINGS, AND LORD OF LORDS. Revelation 19:12-16
50. He is the living dead with keys to hell and death.
I am he that liveth, and
was dead... and have the keys of hell and of death. Revelation 1:13-16