War On Saturnalia! -
a war being waged against our sacred winter holiday,
people. Centuries ago, our forebearers at this time of
year began exchanging gifts, decorating trees, and welcoming
the winter solstice with the return of light and end
of darkness. All in the name of our beloved God. Yes,
you know who I mean. Even in these heathen times, I'm
not ashamed to speak his name: Saturn. There, I said
it. Let's stop denying who this holiday is really about.
What has become of our holy Saturnalia, fellow pagans?
I go into my local Wal-Mart, greeted by all the familiar
holly and ivy of yore, and am welcomed not with the rousing "Io,
Saturnalia!" of simpler times, but with some made-up
newfangled, supposedly "non-offensive" substitute:
this "Christ-Mass" thing.
Now about these "Christians." (Is that okay? "People
of Jesus"? What's the acceptable term now?) I know
they have come a long way since we used to feed them
to the lions in (let's face it) the good old days. And
I've personally apologized and atoned for that. Many
And I don't begrudge them one bit their hard work, cleverness,
and control of all media. Not to mention Congress, the
Supreme Court and the White House.
But do we all have to bow down to their holidays now?
I mean, it was bad enough when Yom Kippur and Rosh Hoshana
got on my desk calendar somehow! And who is this "MLK" guy,
I'm sorry, but when your faithful still don't make up
a majority of the world's population, and you've only
been around less than 2,000 years, you gotta take a back
seat to tradition. We don't want to offend you and, hey,
you're welcome to come share in a finely roasted boar's
head at our table and sing tuneful Saturn-carols any
time. You see, you don't have to be pagan to enjoy Saturnalia!
In fact, you're not, and yet you still use many of our
rituals. Why don't you just call them by their right
And who knows when this guy, Jesus, was born anyway,
right? I mean, isn't it just a little coincidental your
story says he was born on "Christmas Day"?
I know I'm going to get emails now saying I'm "intolerant" and
all, but you have to stand up for the values that have
made Western Civilization great. (And what's more Western
Civ than good ol' pagan Ancient Rome?) You can't just
give into these arrivistes. Next thing you know, they'll
be appropriating our regeneration-of-spring festivities
for the "resurrection" of their "lord." How
are they going to fit the fertility bunnies into that,
So to my Jesus-loving friends, I say this in the yuletide
(oy, another appropriation!) spirit of forgiveness and
peace on earth. No one minds what you celebrate in private.
Just remember: it's Saturn's world and you just live
So to all and to one, Saturn bless us all. Everyone.